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Being afraid of stating your desires? Read this

My daughter is turning ten in a few weeks - man is the time flying by. And I learn a lot by raising her.

One of those things is how hard it is for someone to state their desires and ask for it if there’s a gatekeeper. Especially, how early this developed.

It’s like she’s being afraid of asking at all or rather of the possible rejection. Or maybe of being selfish. Who knows. It’s hard to tell. I can’t look in her mind. And she can’t tell. Kids’ brains are different and they often don’t know why they do things. It’s already hard enough for most adults.

Anyway.

One solution she’s using to avoid the direct ask is by talking around the bushes and giving hints in the hope that I understand what she wants and give it to her.

Bad and good is that I am the wrong person for that. So, I mostly play dumb for some time and then tell her that she should directly ask me what she wants.

Direct question, direct response.

It’s hard at first but easier for both in the long run. But hey, at some point in your life you have to train that. I know it is not always that easy, but it’s a family setting.

Besides, if you never ask and tell people what you want, you might never get it. You can’t expect that others read your mind. Not in business, not in personal matters.

The other person can not read your mind, and they don’t have the same information background. Remember, we all live in our own bubbles of reality. None is like the other.

Also, when you don’t ask for what you want it does more harm to you. Over time, your mind will come up with excuses for why it can work and why it makes no sense to ask at all.

In the end, you train your mind to stop you early. As a result, you won’t get what you want and are at the mercy of the other persons.

This happens faster than you might think.

Sometimes, my daughter starts babbling to herself about what she wants and then moaning that this does not work. And getting all down then.

Like she wants to play on the tablet and her mind rushes in telling her multiple reasons why that will not work right now. Resulting in a load “that doesn’t work”.

No, I can’t look in her mind but she’s talking aloud most of those times. Maybe with the hope, the parents hear it and say it’s fine. Again, not asking directly.

At some point, I replied, “I don’t know what it is, but if you say it does not work, it does not work.”

Now her chance of getting ti was gone. But with it also the fear of asking. She had nothing to lose by asking now anyway. So, she did.

It’s like many things just made up in our minds.

Of course, asking does not guarantee that the other person agrees and you get it. But by not asking, you lower your chances and it comes with tons of mental baggage like the infamous “if he really loves me, he should get it”-madness.

Nope.

People can’t read minds and people’s bubbles are not yours.

What’s your desire that you don’t dare to ask?

Feel free to use our completely anonymous feedback links below or reply to my email.

-–

Jens

p.s. check out our new free app for mindful eating.

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